Gratitude Journal #43

Two days left in the year, and Two Gratitude Entries to go before reaching my goal of 100. I have tried over the year to remember to be grateful for the little things, like the Starbucks employees who start work at 4a, so that when I pull into the drive-thru at 6a, someone is there to make me my Chai tea latte. But the truth is, what I am most grateful for in my life are the people. And so, this last week’s worth of gratitude entries are going to be about the people I am grateful for.

Gratitude Entry #99 –  PopTart and her Other Family

It is no surprise to anyone who reads this blog that I miss PopTart every single day. At the same time, she is 16(!) now and no one can force her to do anything she does not want to do. That means that when she calls me, when she spends time with me, it is because she wants to. And yeah, I am grateful that my 16-year-old wants to spend time with me.

This summer, while we were watching the lumberjack competition at the Fair, she laid down on the bleachers with her head in my lap. I really needed to get going because I had a long drive home, but there was no way I was moving. Even if she still lived with us, I would not get very many of those moments anymore. So I take them when I can, and I cherish them.

I am also incredibly grateful to her other family, the one that took her in when we realized her living with us was no longer right for her. They have provided her with a home that she is thriving in. She is healthy. She is happy. And she is so very loved.

It kills me to not be her everyday mom. It always will. But knowing how well she is doing makes it worth it.

They called me on my birthday. I missed the call, so they left me a voicemail. It is PopTart, her other mother, and two sisters singing Happy Birthday to me. At the end, they were trying to leave some sort of message, but it devolved into giggles. I have saved that voicemail. Now, any time I need some cheering up, I can listen to it and hear her giggle. 

It boggles my mind that she only has two and a half years of high school left. Last time we had lunch, we talked about her high school graduation. How can that even be a thought yet?

I have made plenty of mistakes as a mom. There is a lot I would do differently if given the chance to go back in time. But I have done at least enough right that she still wants to talk to me, still wants to see me. And for now, I hold onto that.