The Honeymoon is Over

In foster care, as with many things, the start of a new placement is often referred to as the “honeymoon” period, where the newly placed foster child is on their best behavior. For those kids, I tend not to think of it as “honeymoon”, which has connotations both of choice and happiness (neither of which are often true in a foster placement) and instead think of it as the “scared out of themselves” period, where they are afraid to truly be themselves, for fear they will be sent away.

However, “honeymoon” might be the way to describe that period from the foster family’s point of view, especially if they are, like us, a foster to adopt family. We are in this situation by choice, and we are thrilled for a new placement, the possibility of truly adding to our families.

Regardless of what you call it, those periods overlap. The child is on their best behavior. The family alters their routine to do some extra fun things, makes some special meals, etc. But the period has to end. The kid gets to a point where they feel safe enough (or just reach a breaking point) where their issues start to come out. And the family has to return to a normal routine. The excitement wears off, and day to day life must continue, for everyone.

And that’s where we are with Cupcake. The issues we were told about with her are starting to come to the forefront, the melt downs and stubborn refusals to do things are coming more often. And on our end, Pop Tart is now dealing with the realities of living with a little sister, instead of the dream of such. The feel of an extended play date have finally worn off, and now there’s the realization that, at 11 ½, she does not always want to be playing with a 7 year old.

For us, there’s the need to establish a new, stable routine for the family. (We had also gotten out of the habit of monthly social worker visits, and now those need to be added back in.) The excitement of having our second child has turned into the work of managing a two child family.

This is not bad. This is just reality. This is what we wanted, and the challenges are not insurmountable, or even all that challenging compared to some we could be facing. (By the time we were at this point in Mini Wheat’s placement, we knew it was not going to be permanent.)

So, we are having days of “maybe I don’t want a little sister” and “she doesn’t knock before coming in my room” and having to explain that all older siblings sometimes wish the younger sibling was not there. Of reminding Pop Tart that some of this is just the age Cupcake is at.

And for us, sometimes it is the desire to not have this or that argument, to wish we could just let something slide, and know that we cannot. We push through the hard times, and we do not give up or send people away. That is not what families do. And a family is what we want to be.

I reminded Pop Tart last night that the honeymoon period ended for her, too, that we had days where she had melt downs that lasted for an hour or two. Those were not fun, but we got through them. She also had to be reminded of house rules and courtesy for quite some time, and she was older than Cupcake is when she came to us. Those things happened, and we got past them. And we will get past them this time, too.

The honeymoon is over. The work of being a family has begun. And honestly, there’s no place I would rather be.