I am a flaming feminist. That will come out clearly in this post. If that bothers you, you should probably stop reading now.

Thing 1 This weekend, we babysat 3.5 year old P for about 25 hours. We had a great time with her, but something happened that bothered me a little bit. I had just put her in her car seat to take her to the park. It was just she and I, but she said “Girls don’t drive.” I said “Yes, they do. Girls can do whatever they want.” She then reasoned it out “Girls can drive when there aren’t boys around.”

Here’s the thing. I know her parents. This is not a message they are trying to teach her. I know for a fact that she’s been in a car with me driving before, and with her mother’s other friends driving.

But her mother was in a very bad car accident a number of years ago that necessitated numerous back and neck surgeries. She still doesn’t have full range of motion in her neck, so she doesn’t drive unless she absolutely has to. It’s a safety issue, as checking her blind spot can cause her back to go out.

I don’t know that P has ever been in a car with her father when her father didn’t drive. Later, when we went back to the park with C might have been the first time she’s ever been in a car with a man and a woman where the man didn’t drive.

Again, it’s not that her parents are trying to teach her anything about what girls can and can’t do. Her mom is the primary earner in the family, and as much of a feminist as I am, but kids don’t always hear the words we say. They do notice the actions they see every day.

Thing 2 There have been two VW commercials that have really been bothering me lately. (Both of our cars are VWs, and I love them, but that doesn’t mean their commercials can’t get on my nerves.) Both of these commercials have been for their current 5 years, 0% financing for gas models promotions, and are the only two commercials I have seen for it.

In one, the husband is on the phone to his wife, claiming to have clearly dominated the salesman in negotiating the deal, while trying to placate the salesman without his wife hearing. In the second, the husband is in the sales office with the salesman, arguing about the designated hitter role in baseball, while they are pretending to negotiate. The wife and daughter are standing outside looking in, commenting on how dad must really be giving the guy the business.

These commercials drive me crazy. They bug C, too. Here’s the thing, they manage to be un-empowering for both men and women. Men are presented as having one job to do- negotiate the best deal for their family, but the deal is so good, they can’t even really do that. They have to pretend. But women are presented as being passive in the process. At best, they can stand outside the window in awe at their man’s abilities. At worst, they don’t even get to show up at the dealership.

Couldn’t VW, in one of these cases, had a woman in the negotiating role? Either as the customer or as the sales agent. It wouldn’t have changed the message they are trying to get across- that this is such a great deal, you don’t even need to negotiate. But it would change the message we are sending kids. Because right now, girls don’t negotiate. Girls don’t even buy cars. They stand around and wait for the man to do it.

Connecting the Dots Other than the subtle ways in which we send messages to our kids, and me being a ranting feminist, you may wonder what in the world these two things have in common. And the answer is me, and the way I interact in this world, and the way I want my future children to see me interact.

You see, I hate negotiating. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable when C does it. But I don’t leave the room. I stay there for it. I will participate as need be. But I need to be better. I don’t want my children to see me as a passive actor in any part of our lives, just like I don’t want them to see C that way.

Messaging The fact that women in general don’t negotiate is a common trope. There’s an excellent book about it called Women Don’t Ask. And some people want to blame wage disparity on it. And I will be the first to admit that that has some effect (but certainly does not explain all, most, or even 1/3 of the wage disparity). The question we need to ask, though, is why don’t women negotiate?

Studies have shown that in cases where asking falls into the caretaker role of women- ie they are negotiating on behalf of someone else- they are better negotiators than men. That’s right. Women are excellent at negotiating. So we can’t claim that women somehow naturally don’t have the negotiation genes.

The problem comes when women are asked to negotiate on behalf of themselves. And that problem comes from society. It is our job to take care of others. To sacrifice on behalf of our families and our companies. Good girls take what is offered and don’t ask for more. Women who do ask for themselves are seen as non-team players, as selfish, as greedy, as, perhaps the worst insult- un-womanly.

At the same time, men who ask are seen as assertive, great leadership material, etc.

The problem isn’t skill. It’s in perception. And it’s a perception we have all been feeding into for years.

Being More Conscious I don’t like to negotiate, but that’s not because I’m a woman. It’s because I don’t like confrontation at all, ever. As a child, I was always- ALWAYS –the first to apologize after a fight, even when the other person was clearly in the wrong. As an adult, I hate doing performance reviews, both my own and with my staff. When there are performance issues, I have to work myself up to address them.

I like compromise, but my natural inclination is to be the one to give up the most, to keep the waters smooth.

In some cases, this pays off. I once took responsibility for a mistake that I could not have made, simply because no one else would, and the founder of the company was on a tear, wanting to know how it happened. My boss pulled me aside and commented that he knew there was no way I could have made the mistake. That was true, I said, but our founder wasn’t looking to fire someone, he was looking for someone to take responsibility and fix the problem. I did both. And honestly, it raised me in his esteem. After I left the company, I received an unsolicited offer to come back to a higher position, making more money than they’d paid the previous person in that decision.

However, in other cases, such as being a boss, I can’t just sit back and smooth everything over. And so, I’ve learned to get past my natural inclination to not speak up, to just let things be. I do this because I am a professional, because I am good at my job, and because I want to grow.

It’s important to me to be able to face up to situations I don’t enjoy in my professional career. As I prepare for motherhood (still in generalities, we aren’t out of the paperwork stage yet), I find that I want to face up to situations I don’t enjoy as a parent. I don’t ever want my child to say “Girls don’t drive” or “Women don’t ask”.