Rape Culture is still Comedy Gold, and it Shouldn’t Be

I have often said I am amazed at how many good men of my generation (and earlier generations) there are. How many of them truly get it, or at least try to get it, when we talk about rape culture. Because I know the pop culture they were raised with, because I was raised in the same popular culture.

The whole Han, Leia, Luke dynamic is truly cringeworthy and actually a little creepy when watching it now. Toxic masculinity dominates all of their personal relationships, right down to Leia kissing Luke at in the first part of Empire just to make a point to Han. And yet, as a geek, the Han Solo – Leia Organa relationship was “the thing”.

And it was not just in our science fiction movies, where people were caught in war and other difficult situations, where you might be able to make an argument that normal interactions just would not occur, that rape culture was just part of the story. Vox has a great article about The rape culture of the 1980s, explained by Sixteen Candles. The story is written especially in relation to the Kavanaugh hearings, and how people (women/girls) could keep going to parties where they knew other women (girls) were being raped. Because we, as a society, did not really recognize what was happening as “rape”.

And it was not just Sixteen Candles. Jake Ryan never really did it for me, but John Cusack, now that was my crush. But going back to watch just about every John Cusack movie now, I cringe. John Cusack is a teen stalker. He is the boy who will not go away.

As teenagers, we cheered for him. The movie was told from his perspective, and we all knew what a great guy he was, and we wanted him to get the girl. He DESERVED to “get the girl”.  (Even the phrasing bothers me now – the girl was always only a prize, something the boy deserved/earned, not someone who was making decisions about her own life, her own future, with her own autonomy.)

And one of the problems with that is, in every young man’s mind, he was John Cusack. He was the good guy who DESERVED to get the girl. No matter how many times she said no, no matter how nicely or meanly she said she was not interested, he was a good guy. And he deserved her. And if he just stuck around long enough, he would win.

But you see, I was a young woman. And outside the movie theater, I saw the world from my perspective. The “good guy” who would not take “no” for an answer was just creepy. The guy you liked well enough as a friend, but as nothing more than a friend, well, he was certain he was really your Prince Charming, and he just had to stick around long enough to prove it to you.

And let me be clear, often times, these really were overall decent young men. But they did not understand “no”. I remember very clearly a young man, who was, by all accounts, a good guy, who I stopped willing to be “alone” with in the student union. There was a couch where our group of friends hung out between classes, where we would all meet. It was right inside a set of main doors, right next to the arcade. It was not an isolated or lonely spot, people walked by all the time. But I stopped being willing to be at that couch when that young man was there if no one else was. Because he did not understand that it was possible for a girl to think he was an okay guy, an actual good guy, and NOT want to date him, if he wanted to date her. I ended up calling a friend who was going to college out of state and asking him if I could tell people he and I were dating, just to get this other young man to leave me alone. Because my own “no”, my own autonomy, was not a strong enough reason. I had to be saying “yes” to another man before he would respect my “no”.

And let me tell you, as the person living through this, as the person trying to be nice, but not too nice so as not to lead him on, etc, that was NOT funny. It was not a romantic comedy.

And let me be clear, this was also not every guy I knew. I was a flirt, and a geek girl. I knew a lot of geek/nerdy guys who were not used to having girls/women interested in the same things as them. There were a few guys who I flirted with, who were interested in dating me, who I was not interested in dating. And they got it. They took my “no” as an answer. And guess what, we’re still friends. (At least on Facebook, given that we live in different states now.) So it absolutely was possible, even in the 1990s, for guys to respect no. But not all of them did, even “good” guys.

The problem is, we still seem to find lacking respect of someone’s “no” to be funny, to be comedy gold. Rape culture is about more than men not accepting a woman’s “no” when she give it. It is about one person not accepting any other person’s “no”. And yet, some people still find that funny.

Just recently, on the Tonight Show, Jimmy had Kevin Hart as a guest. He also had Robert Irwin, the 14 year old son of the late Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, on the show. Robert had animals with him.

Kevin Hart was afraid of those animals. He clearly, repeatedly, states that no, he is not interested in holding, or even being near, those animals. And let’s face it, there is no need, ever, to force someone to hold a snake or a tarantula. There just is not.

And yet, instead of respecting Kevin’s no, his fear was played for laughs. Jimmy keeps trying to force him to do something he clearly does not want to do. And this is supposedly funny. Quick tip from the girl who has had her “no” ignored – this is NOT funny.

I first saw this clip because someone posted it on Facebook. A lot of people were commenting about whether or not they would have held the animals. Most agreed they would not have held the tarantula. And yet, none of them sided with Kevin Hart in his reactions. In fact, one person commented that they would have hit Hart, because he was apparently too annoying, I mean, how dare someone not want to hold a snake or a huge spider?

I would have held all of the animals. I am not afraid of snakes or spiders. I respect them. I would have followed Irwin’s instructions for safe handling. And it would have been fine. But I would never, never try to force someone who is obviously afraid of handling an animal to handle it. That is exactly how animal caused accidents happen.

And I get how Kevin Hart’s “no” may seem funny to an audience. This man is a comedian. Being funny is his job. He is a short, black, man. Comedy has likely been his survival skill most of his life. So he masks his fear with funny.

But here’s the thing people. No means no. It does not matter if it is a 15 year old girl saying it or an adult black man. And not respecting people’s No, trying to force them into a situation they do not want, and could truly be dangerous, is NOT funny, even when that person is a comedian.