Forget “The Talk”

My theory is that puberty does not hit until kids are pre-teens/teens so that as a parent you have time to build up that relationship with them, to know them, to have their inherent trust. You have over a decade to build the relationship you need with your child for the both of you to survive puberty.

Pop Tart came to us at 9. I have less than 5 years. And I have known that from the beginning. I have known that I had less than 5 years to establish a relationship in which we could discuss bodies and sex and puberty and boys and girls all the myriad of things puberty brings with it. 5 years to build a relationship that will survive puberty and the teenage years.

It is a challenge I happily accepted. And in this case, yes, it is me that has accepted it.

C is a wonderful father, and he honestly does most of the parental heavy lifting. But when it comes to her body, Pop Tart is not comfortable talking about it with him. Sometimes not even if he is in the same room. So this job is mine. I have fabulous support, but this one is on me.

And so I have had a plan of attack from the beginning. I talk openly and honestly with her. She came to us obsessed with babies. She wants lots of babies (and to adopt). She also knows that she was born when her mother was 16. She is pretty sure she does not want that.

But when she insisted, at age 10 that she wouldn’t have sex or drink as a teenager, I told I thought that would be great, but that I was not going to hold her to that, that I accepted that she probably would drink alcohol, that she would have a boyfriend (or girlfriend) someday and sex would not seem gross. I have been frank and honest with her in age appropriate ways, pretty much from the beginning.

Her annual physical happens right around her birthday, just before the school year starts. We have had a few other health issues to deal with, but this year, she officially entered puberty. She is not super thrilled about it. In fact, she worries unreasonably about it (not surprising given her anxiety), but she is able to talk about it. She is willing to put up with me talking about it.

I get a lot of fake covering of ears, a lot of gross, I am embarrassed, etc. But I have talked to her about it. And this year, if her physical is after her birthday, the doctor, by state law, will be required to ask us parents to leave the room and talk to her briefly. This is something I want to prepare her for.

I have told her to think of it like a therapist appointment. If she has any questions she wants to ask the doctor without us hearing them, that will be the time. Of course, she worries that the doctor will try to use that time to make her make decisions about her health. I have assured her that she is always free to tell the doctor that she wants to have that conversation (whatever she thinks that conversation will be) with her parents in the room.

We have talked about birth control, and that by 16 (and possibly by 15), I plan for her to be on birth control (probably a copper or low dose IUD). I have started talking to her about these things before they are really relevant, while the idea of intimate contact with anyone is still “gross”, while she is certain she will never want to do “that”.

I talk to her about the changes her body is going through, and when she has questions assure her they are perfectly normal (because they are).

My goal is not to embarrass her. And honestly, I cannot say that these are necessarily easy or comfortable conversations for me. But I want her to be used to having these conversations with me. By the time they become relevant, I want talking to me about sex, about her body, about whatever to be something that is just an everyday part of her life. It is not a one-time, special occasion type thing. It is not a “I have no idea how to bring this up” kind of thing. Instead it is a common thing, something she is used to hearing from me, and something she is used to talking to me about. I want this to be part of her normal, so that it is not a big deal to say something to me.

I have a daughter that I have had less than 5 years to build a relationship with, and we have to survive puberty and the teenage years. I have a daughter who is obsessed with babies, and very much feels the need to be liked. She hates the idea of anyone not liking her, and already will fall to peer pressure so that people will like her.

I need for her to be able to talk to me. I need for her to know that she can come to me with anything, no matter how embarrassing or gross or intimate. I need her to know I will listen, that I will not freak out, that these conversations are part of my normal.

Will I be successful? Will we survive the teenage years? I do not have a crystal ball. But I do know that puberty is kicking in, and I would rather she come to me with questions than the kids at school.