Parenting Fail for the Win??
Today was day of mixed parenting emotions. Pop Tart had a rough day, and while it is nice to still be able to cuddle her after a bad dream, that (and other) parts of the day make me afraid that she is never going to be able to be an independent adult. If she has a bad day, she thinks the rest of the world should bend to what she wants. She loses all ability to understand that she still has homework and chores and those need to get done regardless of what her day was like. She made the choice to put off clarinet practice until today, and then tried to use having a bad dream and not a good night’s sleep as a reason why she should then just get to skip it all together. And trying to push the issue causes her to have a meltdown.
To add to that, she refused to use her coping mechanisms. Any effort on our part to get her to use them resulted in refusal and withdrawal and an excuse to escalate the meltdown. We are years into therapy and years into learning how to use deep breathing as a coping mechanism. But today, she insisted she did not know how to breathe, and refused to actually try and we tried to work with her on it. She has a therapy appointment tomorrow and I have told C he needs to ask the therapist what we are supposed to do when she refuses to use her coping mechanisms. Because we have been told over and over that yelling at her or punishing her are not productive, but the truth is, if we do not resort to one of those things (C resorts to punishment, I resort to yelling) she just refuses. And it is not like we go there right away. Thirty minutes into her refusing to do deep breathing, and claiming it hurts, and five plus times of us suggesting and telling her to go get her inhaler (because if breathing hurts, she should use her inhaler) and her refusing to does, in fact, result in me yelling at her to go get her inhaler – and guess what- she does.
I feel like I should explain to her that not listening to me until I yell at her in fact trains me to resort to yelling sooner. It is not what I want to do. But, at the same time, I have to go with what works. And if asking, suggesting, or telling calmly does not work, but yelling does, guess what?
So parenting fail, because I resorted to yelling at my kid while she was already upset, but parenting win because she did then go get her inhaler and 15 minutes later was over her meltdown. That is not how I would like it to go. And I would really like her to understand that her actions feed into this.
I have told her that I am not perfect. I am going to make parenting mistakes. But, even if I handle something badly, that does not absolve her from her part in the situation, or mean she can ignore what it was she was being asked to do. Me yelling at her does not mean she no longer has to practice clarinet. Nor is it going to prevent us from talking to her therapist about the fact that she refuses to use her coping mechanisms. But she thinks it should.
We are getting to the point where her default position is grounded, and she is going to have to earn all screen time and all friend time. That is not what we want, but we are getting to the point where she is constantly putting off what she should do to later in the hopes that she will get out of doing it all together, and then throws a fit when we do not let her out of it.
On some level, I understand that some of this is normal, and I remind myself that her emotional age is significantly behind her physical and mental age, and that feeds in to this. But I still have the goal of raising her to be a functional adult, and that means learning to do what she needs to do, even when she does not feel like doing it.
4 Comments
Jana @ Jana Says
I wonder if there’s something else going on. Something at school or with a friend; something she’s not telling you that’s making her act out and using all the other stuff as an excuse since that’s just easier to blame. I know when my daughter gets all worked up about something the thing she’s worked up about is not actually the thing, if that makes sense. And trying to rationalize with her when she’s all worked up doesn’t help. It’s like arguing with a drunk. You have to wait until it’s out of their system and then discuss the behavior.
And as far as the yelling, don’t even stress. Every parent does it and those who say they don’t are big fat liars.
admin
Given all the drama we had earlier in the year with school/friends, we are pretty on top of that, so do not think that is going on right now. Truth is, starting Friday, but yesterday especially, really reminded C of his mother when her depression was at it’s worst. Lots of crying for no particular reason.
Pop Tart has therapy today. We have another appointment with the actual psychiatrist in a couple of weeks. While we are somewhat resistant to anti-anxiety medication right now (because she mostly functions just fine without it, and we would really like to concentrate on non-pharmaceutical interventions) we may be asking about anti-depressants. While we aren’t thrilled about putting a 12 year old on medication she will never be able to stop taking, if that’s what we need to do, that’s what we’ll do.
But overall, it would be really nice if she could re-gain control of her shit without requiring someone else lose their shit at her first. We saw something similar (though far more advanced) with Cupcake who seemed to have a need to cause someone else physical pain in order to gain control over her emotional pain. That’s not a path we want Pop Tart going down, for Pop Tart’s sake.
Sandy
My kid has severe anxiety and gets into these states, and while she usually has her coping mechanisms down, being 12 is adding other stressors. We have other things going on as well, that I hesitate to post publicly but am more than welcome to discuss with you at some point, as there are some similar trends to what I’ve read over the past with your daughter. My younger daughter has issues that fit into a lot of Pop Tart’s that the older daughter doesn’t have.
Additionally, I work with a diverse group of girls who are all this age and present issues that sound similar to Pop Tart’s.
That all leads to: parenting fail short-term, parenting win long-term. Not because you yelled, but because let’s face it, parenting a lot of times is about preventive in the first place, followup in the second. Because yeah, it’s really about working with them to be a functional adult, but it’s also amazing how helping them get there helps you stay there.
Off topic – I live on the opposite side of I-5 from you, realized it when you were posting houses ;). Not a stalker, honest, and don’t have a blog, but (put expletive in positive sense here), we’ve had some similar trajectories in life.
admin
Thank you for your comment. I apologize that it takes me so long sometimes to get around to approving comments. Life getting in the way.
Puberty has meant the onset of depression for Pop Tart (because yay, that’s needed on top of anxiety), and we’re thinking that was the major stressor behind this weekend. Between working with her therapist and our own (sadly) extensive knowledge of depression, we’re working on altering house rules and making some changes in how we deal with things to support better mental health.
It’s a learning process for us all.