Finding a New Love

The problem with having a mid-life crisis is that recognizing you are having one does not make it go away. And sadly, these things are not like a two week flu. They apparently stick around for a while. Being okay with being 40 does not make this random need for “new” in my life go away.

I am not the only person in my friend group experiencing a mid-life crisis right now. One my oldest friends (we have known each other since high school) has basically completely blown up his life. He apparently decided it was time to completely start over, and *poof* moved without really telling anyone.

As much as I want to smack him for this, on some level I am glad to have such an extreme and negative example in my life. It reminds me that no matter what else I have going on, I do not want to blow up my current life. I may be yearning for something, but whatever that something is, I want to find it with C by my side, and Pop Tart and the dogs snuggled up nearby.

I have had the realization that what I want is the sensation of falling in love again. This does not mean I am looking to leave C, or even turn our relationship into a polyamorous one (that would be a disaster on an epic scale because I am very bad at sharing people I love – have been since childhood when I could not hang out with my best friend at school because I hated sharing her with all her other friends there). And that is fine, because I recognize that falling in love does not have to be a romantic relationship.

Some of the things I have been pushing have been a second child (that has been the plan for a couple years) and a third dog. The thing is, C is not at a point where he feels either of those is a good idea for him. And he is the primary parent/the one who would be home all day with the dogs. So this is an argument he gets to “win” for now. And that is the way it should be. But try telling that to my irrational desire for new. Mid-life crises apparently do not respect logic and compromise.

I also have no real desire to leave my current job. I like my job. I like the people I work with. They pay me well and treat me nice. So, with the exception of the one job I applied for because it is, in fact, the exact next step in my career ladder (which does not come along very often), I am not looking to move to a new job. No falling in love there.

New friends, new experiences, any of that could happen. But I do not honestly make enough time for the friends I already have. I am trying to be better about that, but it is quite a bit about time. Because no matter how much I want something new, I also want, and need, to dedicate time to C and Pop Tart, Junebug and Larry.

I am searching for something new. Reading more has helped. And it occurs to me that if I cannot find someone in my real life to fall in love with, I can create one – the joy of being a writer. I want to finish my novella. I am roughly two-thirds of the way through. And I know where the story is going. But maybe this is the one area where the logic – finish the current story first – can be pushed aside to make room for the irrational wants I am feeling. I can safely set Betany, Dmitrios, and Agur aside for a while longer (because let us be honest, I have not written a new scene for them since before my surgery in July) and find new characters and stories to love. Maybe this will even be the time I complete something longer than 10,000 words.

So that is the plan – to create my own new love interest. Now the practical problem again of finding time to keep up this blog (and my book reviews and reading) and writing fiction. I guess I could stop playing so many match three games…