#OriginalFiction – The Sneeze

It could happen to anyone. Granted, there are so many people now that the odds of it happening to any one person are astronomically low, but that does not mean impossible. I mean, it is why we say God Bless You, or Gazundheit, or whatever your culture chooses. It is just one of those things that we used to know, but seem to have forgotten, or dismissed, as science has taken hold.

I sneezed.

When I was little, we used to say that if you stopped yourself from sneezing, it killed brain cells. I do not know whether or not that is true, but what I do know is that a sneeze is actually a very powerful explosion happening inside your body. It is like a volcano, Mt Saint Helens, inside your head. You do not want to try and contain that.

Anyway, I sneezed, and no one was around to bless me.

You cannot be surprised that spirits, especially mischievous ones, hang around college campuses. I mean, honestly, this spirit is probably responsible for a ton of the stuff that happens in the dorms.

But me? I am a straight A student, at school on scholarship. I do not even eat meat.

I sneezed.

I was in the library, back in the government documents section. I was going through old Congressional Records, doing research for my final History project. They were covered in dust. I swear nobody had looked through those things since they were bound in the 1800s. I took one off the shelf; dust went everywhere.

I sneezed.

From somewhere on the other side of the stacks, a librarian shushed me.

With the sneeze, my soul went flying out of my body, but with the shush instead of a blessing, I breathed in the spirit, who I can only imagine hung out in that section specifically because of the combination of dust and low likelihood of blessings.

Anyway, it was getting close to lunch time, so when the spirit entered my body, the first thing it realizes is, this new body is hungry. It must need to be fed.

For the record, I do not recommend out of body experiences. They suck.

My soul was still attached to my body, just not in it, so basically I am being dragged along behind, like a kite on too short a string.

It was a Sunday, so next to nothing was open, except the 7-11 right across the street from campus.

You have seen the tapes, right? I mean, how much detail do I need to go into here? I have never denied that it was me you see on the surveillance video, never questioned the claim that my fingerprints were found at all the scenes. It was most definitely my body, just not me. That is why I am here, talking to you.

Quite obviously, I am sane now, fully capable of assisting in my own defense, but at the time….

This is why the temporary insanity plea exists, right?

So, into the first convenience store it went, right to the hot dog section. Did I mention that I am a vegetarian? The spirit took a hot dog, covered it in ketchup and mustard, and started eating while walking out the door. The clerk apparently could not leave the counter, because she just started yelling that I needed to pay. I think that is when it occurred to the spirit that a convenience store spree would be fun.

Again, I refer to the tapes. No one was hurt. As it was, the spirit stopped eating after store number 8, thank the heavens, or who knows how sick I would have been the next day. Instead, it started experimenting with which things made the most mess – ketchup, mustard, canned cheese, slurpee mix….

I have offered to pay for everything, by the way, once my financial aid comes in next semester.

I know this sounds crazy, and once again I point to my temporary insanity plea. But, it is the truth. The last tape proves it.

The spirit had apparently decided the mess on the floor needed extra seasoning, so when the police arrived and the condiment wrestling began, salt and pepper filled the air.

I sneezed.

The clerk, bless him until the ends of the earth – I have offered to have his uniform dry cleaned for an entire year – blessed me. It was purely out of habit, I am sure. But when you are the Trojan horse, well, you happily accept any gift you are given.

I sneezed. And I was blessed.

My soul was able to reenter my body.  I instantly stopped resisting arrest. It is all right there, on tape number 23.