Putting Yourself First
Are you one of those people that always puts others first? That no matter what you have going on that needs to be done, you take care of everyone else’s wants before you even consider making time for yourself? This is a trait often associated with women, but I know a number of men who have it, too. (Including roomie J.) I struggle with this trait, and yes, I call it a struggle, because I don’t actually believe it is the best trait to have. Is it better than always putting myself first, yes, but always putting myself last isn’t healthy either.
I Choose Me On Presidents’ Day, I went and got a massage. Technically, I don’t have the money in my allowance for it. We’ve just started the adoption process, which is not inexpensive. We plan on replacing our windows this summer. We are paying for C’s school out of pocket. The $70 I spent on the massage could easily have been a week’s worth of groceries. I got the massage anyway. Why? Well, partly because I couldn’t turn my head, and time was making the pain in my neck and shoulder worse, not better. But also because every once in a while, I have to put myself first. Let’s be honest, if I don’t, who will? C is actually very good at taking care of me, if I ask (or when I’ve been drugged, like when I got my wisdom teeth removed), but if I don’t ask, he assumes I’m fine. When I am sick, he still assumes that I will do everything I normally do, unless I tell him differently. And guess what? It’s my fault that’s the way he treats me. Because that is how I’ve trained him to treat me. In the past, no matter how sick I’ve felt, I’ve still tried to do everything I would normally do. Because that’s what I do. And it’s not healthy. I am sick longer than I should be because I push myself. I get sicker than I need to because I don’t give myself a break; I don’t ask for help. So what happens when I get truly ill? I cannot take care of other people unless I am capable of taking care of myself.
It Applies at Work, Too This is a financial blog, you may say. Other than justifying why you spent $70 on a massage, what is the financial point of this? Well, let’s take roomie J’s scenario. J is incredibly intelligent and has a very strong work ethic. He is probably underemployed in his warehouse job, but warehouse is what he knows. He’s a big guy (6’4”, 300+lbs) who has always done physical labor. When I met J, he was essentially a human forklift at a pillow factory. He spent his work day moving around pallets of pillow fiber. It paid well enough that it covered all of his bills and he could think about things that actually interested him while he was doing it. It’s years later, and J now works at a factory that makes memory foam beds. (Yes, I have the total hookup, and it is awesome.) He was hired in as one of the warehouse guys- loading trucks and all that good stuff. But J is incredibly intelligent, and now that he’s no longer in his 20s, he’s not content to sit around and just follow orders. It didn’t take long at his current job for him to start getting noticed, and promoted. Very good things, indeed. But then he got promoted in to the highest position he could have without a college degree. He started taking night classes so that he could continue moving up the ladder. And then, one of the other people at the company who reported to his boss was let go. This was a person in a position that J technically can’t be given because of the lack of degree. That didn’t stop his boss from giving him that person’s duties, but with no promotion or raise. J was so busy at work, and doing so much overtime that he had to drop out of school. And then, his boss went out on extended medical leave. And guess who was now doing three people’s jobs and being paid as if he were only doing the lowest level of the jobs? J is one of those people that takes care of others first and puts himself last. He did the work of three people without complaining. He stopped his education, for the good of the company, even though the company didn’t appear to be all that interested in what was good for J.
You Have to Take Care of You With the urging of friends, J finally talked to his bosses. He made a point of reminding him that he was doing jobs the company said he can’t do because of his lack of degree, and doing them better than his boss had been. (The company let his boss go after his boss returned from medical leave.) He works at least one day every weekend, and works late most nights when he doesn’t have other plans. He brings work home with him, and is essentially on call at all hours when the warehouse is staffed. Just a few weeks ago, after more than a year of this, J finally got a raise- a nice one, 14%. He’s still probably under paid. So now J is taking one more step at achieving a life/work balance. He has set as one of his goals to work 50% less OT than last year, but not to let any of his tasks suffer. He wants to work smarter, not harder, as we’re all told we should. But here’s the thing, he’s still doing the jobs of three people. He has to not only look at himself, he has to ask for help. He has trained his company to treat him one way, and now, he has to ask for the support they should have been giving him all along. It is their job to hire the number of people the work demands. It is not his job to work the number of hours demanded by the work. He has to decide that he deserves a massage.
Edited to add: Because everyone seems fascinated by our trip to England 4 years ago, here’s the view from Castle Tintagel. My favorite thing about England was the bathtubs- all were deep and long bathtub. Baths every night were a requirement to taking care of ourselves after climbing all over sites like Tintagel.
Sweet picture. I've always wanted to go to England!
It's the view of the visitors' center from the island side of the castle.
England was an amazing trip and we very much hope that it won't have been a once in a lifetime one.
I recognize myself in J's behaviour but I have managed to learn that it is ok to put myself first too. For many years ago I did like him in the position I had: worked long hours, took responsibility for much more than my position was, working basically like two persons etc… When I look back I think it was so not worth it because even if my boss really appreciated my performance a lot I find it didn't pay in the long run. I neither got a pay raise nor a better position working like an idiot like that when not even forced to. Now I would never do that again without agreeing on the terms (pay raise etc…) beforehand…
His was made worse by the labor market at the time it started happening. People were losing their jobs right and left and everyone was being asked to do the work of more people. His just carried to the extreme.
But yes, it's important, even at work, to remember to take care of yoruself. Ask for a raise if one is deserved, ask for help if you really do have too much to do.
I am somebody who has a 'I'm so worth it' fund! Even my soon to be eleven years old son knows that I can be self centred sometimes. But…
As you mentioned this is good. Have you noticed that on airplanes they always remind people to put their oxigen masks first before trying to help others? We have to keep well and happy to be able to look after children and to relate properly to others.
I agree. As I said, it's something I struggle with. I know I need to take care of myself, but I try to ignore it.
I currently have a sinus infection or something, but was trying to pretend I was fine, until Monday night when an earache hit so hard and quick that I was almost in tears. It was at least 6 hours later before I could move my head without intense pain.
J reminds me of my mom and dad so much it's scary. My dad dropped out of school and ran his own lumber company his whole life. He never gives himself enough credit for how bright he actually is, and I'm always intimidated by his problem solving prowess. I learned how to work hard from my parents, but I also made the decision that I would have a better work-life balance than they do, and I hope to retire a full decade or so before they did.
J is a genius (not exaggerating) and it is very hard to see that the company knows he can do the job but won't give him a promotion because of a lack of degree.
I'm guilty of that – but not at work. I will put my family first and sometimes I even lose out. I agree that I should think about "me" sometimes, and I do, but I know that I can do a bit more. I am a worrier and those thoughts kinda control my actions.
Trust me, it's an even easier hole to fall down with your family. We worry about them; we worry things won't get done right if we're not there to do it, or at least oversee it. It doesn't matter how sick we are, we wonder- but who else will do X if I can't?
The hard lesson to learn is that sometimes things will get done and sometimes they won't, but everyone is still going to be just fine, even if we take a day for ourselves. (And it is a lesson I am still learning and am going to continue to struggle with as I become a mom.)
One of the popular coaching classes for executives talks about this very subject. It recommends (actually "recommends" is too soft a word…"endorses"? "advocates"? "says you-must-do-this"?) free days. It says that each week you need a day that's for you. That way, the other four days you can be completely selfless and on task. The point? We burn out and can't focus well if we don't spend some time on ourselves.
I need to get that information to my company. The directors and executive directors that I work with are stuck in meetings almost constantly. They most definitely need a day to focus on themselves (or at least their actual work).