Are you one of those people that always puts others first? That no matter what you have going on that needs to be done, you take care of everyone else’s wants before you even consider making time for yourself? This is a trait often associated with women, but I know a number of men who have it, too. (Including roomie J.) I struggle with this trait, and yes, I call it a struggle, because I don’t actually believe it is the best trait to have. Is it better than always putting myself first, yes, but always putting myself last isn’t healthy either.

I Choose Me On Presidents’ Day, I went and got a massage. Technically, I don’t have the money in my allowance for it. We’ve just started the adoption process, which is not inexpensive. We plan on replacing our windows this summer. We are paying for C’s school out of pocket. The $70 I spent on the massage could easily have been a week’s worth of groceries. I got the massage anyway. Why? Well, partly because I couldn’t turn my head, and time was making the pain in my neck and shoulder worse, not better. But also because every once in a while, I have to put myself first. Let’s be honest, if I don’t, who will? C is actually very good at taking care of me, if I ask (or when I’ve been drugged, like when I got my wisdom teeth removed), but if I don’t ask, he assumes I’m fine. When I am sick, he still assumes that I will do everything I normally do, unless I tell him differently. And guess what? It’s my fault that’s the way he treats me. Because that is how I’ve trained him to treat me. In the past, no matter how sick I’ve felt, I’ve still tried to do everything I would normally do. Because that’s what I do. And it’s not healthy. I am sick longer than I should be because I push myself. I get sicker than I need to because I don’t give myself a break; I don’t ask for help. So what happens when I get truly ill? I cannot take care of other people unless I am capable of taking care of myself.

It Applies at Work, Too This is a financial blog, you may say. Other than justifying why you spent $70 on a massage, what is the financial point of this? Well, let’s take roomie J’s scenario. J is incredibly intelligent and has a very strong work ethic. He is probably underemployed in his warehouse job, but warehouse is what he knows. He’s a big guy (6’4”, 300+lbs) who has always done physical labor. When I met J, he was essentially a human forklift at a pillow factory. He spent his work day moving around pallets of pillow fiber. It paid well enough that it covered all of his bills and he could think about things that actually interested him while he was doing it. It’s years later, and J now works at a factory that makes memory foam beds. (Yes, I have the total hookup, and it is awesome.) He was hired in as one of the warehouse guys- loading trucks and all that good stuff. But J is incredibly intelligent, and now that he’s no longer in his 20s, he’s not content to sit around and just follow orders. It didn’t take long at his current job for him to start getting noticed, and promoted. Very good things, indeed. But then he got promoted in to the highest position he could have without a college degree. He started taking night classes so that he could continue moving up the ladder. And then, one of the other people at the company who reported to his boss was let go. This was a person in a position that J technically can’t be given because of the lack of degree. That didn’t stop his boss from giving him that person’s duties, but with no promotion or raise. J was so busy at work, and doing so much overtime that he had to drop out of school. And then, his boss went out on extended medical leave. And guess who was now doing three people’s jobs and being paid as if he were only doing the lowest level of the jobs? J is one of those people that takes care of others first and puts himself last. He did the work of three people without complaining. He stopped his education, for the good of the company, even though the company didn’t appear to be all that interested in what was good for J.

You Have to Take Care of You With the urging of friends, J finally talked to his bosses. He made a point of reminding him that he was doing jobs the company said he can’t do because of his lack of degree, and doing them better than his boss had been. (The company let his boss go after his boss returned from medical leave.) He works at least one day every weekend, and works late most nights when he doesn’t have other plans. He brings work home with him, and is essentially on call at all hours when the warehouse is staffed. Just a few weeks ago, after more than a year of this, J finally got a raise- a nice one, 14%. He’s still probably under paid. So now J is taking one more step at achieving a life/work balance. He has set as one of his goals to work 50% less OT than last year, but not to let any of his tasks suffer. He wants to work smarter, not harder, as we’re all told we should. But here’s the thing, he’s still doing the jobs of three people. He has to not only look at himself, he has to ask for help. He has trained his company to treat him one way, and now, he has to ask for the support they should have been giving him all along. It is their job to hire the number of people the work demands. It is not his job to work the number of hours demanded by the work. He has to decide that he deserves a massage.

Edited to add: Because everyone seems fascinated by our trip to England 4 years ago, here’s the view from Castle Tintagel. My favorite thing about England was the bathtubs- all were deep and long bathtub. Baths every night were a requirement to taking care of ourselves after climbing all over sites like Tintagel.