Apparently, this list of questions originally came from Chase (the bank). I got them from Lance at Money Life and More, who answered them himself and challenged the rest of us to do so, too.

 

1. Would you discuss money on the first date?

Remember first that C and I have been married for almost 10 years, and together for over 13, so it’s been a really long time since I’ve been on a first date, and I hope never go on another one. Given that…

I might talk about money before the date or on the date in the context of who is paying. You’re picking up the check? Let me get the tip. I asked you out, I’m paying. But that’s talking about money as it immediately relates to the here and now.

I would not talk about salary, debt, investments, etc on a first date. I do believe those are things that need to be discussed as a relationship becomes serious. But that’s not a first date. The only thing a first date is good for is deciding if I want a second date. I’m much more interested in whether we share a sense of humor and enjoy talking to each other.

 

2. How long should you wait to talk about money with your spouse?

If the person is my spouse, we should already be talking about money. It should be one of those topics that can be brought up at any time for a frank and honest discussion. And personally, I err on the side of talking early and often. If I think there’s a possibility of something happening that will affect our financial situation, I want to talk to C about it as soon as possible. Handling the uncertainty on my own is too stressful.

Some people do want to wait until they are more certain before discussing with their spouse. I can appreciate that, but it’s not me.

 

3. Who always brings up money in your relationship?

This makes it sound like trying to assign blame. I don’t think there should be any “blame” in talking about money within a relationship.

For us, the answer is either neither or both. Money is something C and I talk about. I handle the record keeping (checkbook, amortization tables for the mortgage, etc), so I’m the one usually to initiate talk about making a change to the budget, but he has no issues saying- hey, we should refinance, or asking how much we have in savings, talking about whether or not we can afford X.

 

4. Is it harder to manage your money as a couple than it was when you were single?

No, because I didn’t really manage my money when I was single. I had very, very bad money habits that resulted in overdraft fees and unpaid credit card bills, etc. I did not start actively managing money until after C and I were together and had combined our finances. (Which was before we were even engaged. Not something I recommend, but I won’t lie about it, either.)

But as long as we’re willing to talk about money, I’ve never had a problem managing our money as a couple.

 

5. Would you offer to pay off your spouse’s debt?

As I said before, we combined our finances before we were even engaged. We closed on our first house 8 weeks before the wedding. So yes. We paid off his student loans in 2005 or 2006. We used some of his inheritance money to pay off my graduate student loans this last December.

Our finances have been 100% combined that even now that I’m the sole earner, I never think of money being mine or his (with the exception of inheritance). It is ours. And the debt is ours, even debt that was accrued before we were together.

 

6. Is debt a deal breaker?

It certainly wasn’t when we started dating, though I was the one with bad credit card debt and the higher student loans.

If something happened to C and I had to start all over now, I don’t know that debt itself would be a deal breaker, but the other person’s attitude about debt could be. Making minimum payments on maxed out credit cards and okay with it- deal breaker. Working on paying off credit card debt- I’m open to discussion. Mortgage or student loans, as long as they’re being paid regularly don’t bother me.

 

7. Do you think it’s important to have the same money views?

I think it’s more important to be open to talking about money, and be willing to compromise. C and I don’t really have the same money views, and yet, we’re pretty much always on the same page when it comes to our finances because we are willing to talk about money (not fight, talk) and be open and honest with our feelings about it.

I would love to start a ROTH for him, as we haven’t put a single penny into retirement savings since he was laid off in 2009. But because of how he grew up, he believes a paid off house is the best retirement investment you can have, and he’d rather throw that money at the mortgage or my student loan debt than into savings for himself.

I know they say money issues are the number one cause of divorce, but I don’t think it’s because people have different money views. I think it’s because we’ve been raised that it’s impolite to talk about money. And any issue you don’t talk about in your relationship can end up being the final stressor.

Honest, open communication, a true desire to find a solution, and a willingness to compromise will see you through any relationship issue, regardless of where either of you started on the spectrum.

 

8. Can you really change how your spouse spends money?

No. You can’t change anything about another person.

However, they can WANT to change, and you can help them achieve that. I honestly have worse money habits than C, but I’ve managed to change them because it’s important to me and to our relationship. C supports me in making those changes. But if I didn’t want to change, nothing he could do would make a difference.