You Are Not Alone

I belong to a writing critique group because without them, my fiction writing would be nearly non-existent. I love to write. I love to tell stories, and yet, without the external motivation provided by this (amazing) group of people, I wouldn’t write. I wouldn’t commit those stories to paper.
You may wonder what this has to do with personal finances. Well, the same thing Weight Watchers has to do with losing weight. Sometimes personal motivation is not enough to see us through challenges. We get tired, we get bored, and the easiest person in the world to make excuses to is yourself.
My husband was laid off right after Mother’s Day in 2009. We spent the next six months living with an incredibly tight budget, freaked out and really, really uncertain of what would happen when unemployment ran out. The day in November that we got the letter saying he qualified for extended benefits was a major relief. But it also put us on an emotional roller coaster, never certain when UE would run out. It was 10 months after he was laid off before we could have survived on my salary alone, 14 months before we could have done anything more than pay our bills and survive.
By end of December 2009, I was at my breaking point. I knew that we needed to keep the belt tight. I knew what we had to do to keep our house and our car. And I knew I was sick of it. I was tired, so very tired of not being able to do anything for fun. I knew that my internal motivation was failing. I needed help to stay on the straight and narrow.
Because of the taboos our society puts on talking about money, I didn’t feel like I could talk to our friends, or at least like I couldn’t without sounding like I was whining (to the folks doing better than us) or bragging (to the folks doing worse than us). But I needed external support. I needed for the financial plan and my critique group provided for my writing- an honest outlet, a place I could go for kudos and criticism, a place for moral support and practical suggestions.
We had lost a dog in November 2009 and yet were paying the vet bill (and would be for the next year). My mother in law still lived with us and every day was an argument with her. I was at an emotional breaking point while we were at a financial breaking point. My husband was in even worse shape than I was because of dealing with the depression and self-esteem issues of not even getting called for interviews.
I managed our finances. If I could keep it under control, I knew he’d get through it, but I was terrified, terrified that UE would run out, that I would just get so sick of doing nothing for us that I’d run up the credit card debt, do something stupid that would cause us to lose the car, the house, us. Our relationship was fine, but it wasn’t going to stay that way if the stress kept building.
So, at the very end of December 2009, I joined the Women in Red message boards (see link on the left). I finally had a place where I could honestly talk about our situation, a place where no one judged our past mistakes, only helped me find the right direction, the right balance, for our future.
In addition, I now had a whole bunch of people to whom I felt accountable. I knew that in reality I wasn’t, but it felt like I owed them for the support they gave me. They had their own struggles and financial crosses to bear, and yet here they were, supporting me, telling me we could do this, giving me advice on how to get through the tough days. I no longer just owed it to myself or my husband. I owed getting out of this hole to them as well.
When I received the offer for my new position in June of 2010, I couldn’t get a hold of my husband right away, so the first people I told were the other members of the WIR Controlled/No Spend thread. They celebrated for me.
We are no longer in the do or die situation. In fact, our finances are pretty comfortable right now, but I know we wouldn’t be here without the support and the advice of the members of WIR. I am still a member of that community, “racing” my debts and keeping track of my spending. I don’t need the accountability that I once did, but it still helps. It still keeps me motivated.
And that’s a lot of why I started this blog, too. I wanted to be able to share what I’ve learned, what we’ve been through, to be there for others who are struggling. Maybe not everyone is open to sharing all their details on a message board, but perhaps just knowing they aren’t alone will help. Maybe they can see something in what I’ve learned that will help them.
There is a reason that any time you are struggling with a difficult situation, people suggest support groups. Having other people who honestly understand the situation, who have been there and survived, or are struggling to survive right along with you, fills a very basic need humans have of feeling like we belong to a group. We are not naturally solitary creatures, and feeling like we are alone in the world is not good for our mental health.
I will forever be grateful to the people I have met over at the Women in Red, and I hope that I can give back to that community even a fraction of what they have given me.