Measurable Positives
For those of you who may (or may not) have been jonesing for an update on the adoption process, this post is kind of for you. For quite some time, we were waiting on an additional background check from the state of Nevada, because the roommate had an arrest record there. (We knew about this- J and C were friends at the time it happened.) It turns out one of the reasons we were waiting so long was that Nevada sent it back to Washington, but the person who it went to did not pass it along to the case worker assigned to us, because it had J’s name on it, not ours, and he’s not the one applying for a foster license.
They now have the records and want some additional information. Our social worker with the adoption agency has passed on the police report and letter from the courts saying they don’t keep records that old. But now the state also wants a letter from J about the incident and also mentioning what good things he has done since that time. J, being a glass if half empty kind of guy, sent a note to C and I that he didn’t feel there were a lot of measurable positives in his life. I sent back a list of positives that I knew about. But it also made me think about what I would put in a letter like that.
If each of us had to look back over the last 15 years and write a letter about the “good things we’ve done” would any of us have a huge list? Or would around 5 things really pop out?
My list of good/positive things would look mostly like this:
- Got married
- Obtained a BA and an MBA
- Found a career (vs just a job)
- Travelled to England and Ireland
- Currently involved in animal rescue via fostering an older dog.
- Made the decision to adopt a child
Are there other good things I’ve done? We bought a house. I love being a homeownder, but is that something that should go on an accomplishment list? Not everyone wants to be a homeowner, and I don’t think that’s something to be judged by. I’ve donated to food drives, given old blankets and towels to the Humane Society, and donated a ton of stuff to charitable thrift stores. But is that the kind of thing you list on a letter talking about the “good things” you’ve done over the last 15 years? It’s not for me.
For J, I listed the following ideas, just to get him thinking:
- Worked at the same job (in NV) for 10+ year
- Have been at his current job for 5+ years, getting promotions and merit raises
- Was a founding member of a local chapter for a national charitable organization, and was heavily involved in that organization for 5+ years, including attending their annual national meetings and one international meeting (in Australia) for most of those years. While no longer actively involved, he still maintains ties to the organization
- Is a founding member of a local travel club, and has been to see the glaciers in Alaska and cruised the Mediterranean, including spending a week in Spain
- Went back to school for a semester and did well. Had to stop because of work requirements, but is planning to go back
- Has built an amazing relationship with his niece and recently had the chance to spend time with her and her own daughter
To me, that seems like a really good list. I know he’s also adopted and cared for a dog he loved more than anything. He’s donated to charity and helped a friend train for the Breast Cancer 3 Day. He helps all of his friends any time they ask. When we had to clear out the MIL’s apartment, he got up at 5am so that he could work 5 hours on a Saturday before coming to help us get her stuff at 10am.
I think most of us have a lot of positives in our life, do a lot of good things. But when we stop to think about scope, it can be hard for non-milestone events to seem worthy of mentioning when you’re talking about a 15 year timeline.
How would you measure the positive things in your life over the last 15 years?
I question your rationale behind potentially leaving home ownership off of your list. If this created positive experiences and such in your life, it should by all means be on there. In your case, it could tie into establishing roots, showing that you have long term vision, and being able to establish the responsibility that goes with that. Those are all things that could directly tie back to your worthiness as a prospective parent. I think these lists are personal for each person, and while other applicants may not list this, they have their reasons, but if you saw owning a home as a positive, by all means it should appear on your list.
I guess in our case, buying a house was a positive, but I don't think it's something people should be judged on. I think you can put down roots without buying a home. At the same time, I never want to be a renter again, so I guess it might be something I'd put on my list, if I had to write one.
[…] Ate My Wallet with Measurable Positives All of mine would involve family, friends, and volunteer work probably…they probably […]
It is so much easier to complaint about everything and I guess it gives people a sense of importance and fake humility. I try to find three positive things in my life when I go to sleep. They are usually small, a beautiful sunset, helping a friend, having a delicious meal. Even after a crappy day you can still find some positive.Good luck with the adoption process, I admire couples who have the courage to put their relationship through this. My parents had to wait about 6 years and it was very hard.
Hoping we don't have to wait 6 years. We're fairly open, as long as the child is healthy, so that should reduce our wait time some, but yes, it could be years. We'll see how we handle the true "waiting" time, as right now everything has been hurry up, wait, hurry up again, with the steps along the way. once we have our license, it will be all waiting.
Over the past 15 years? Wow, probably the "Busiest" 15 years I'll ever have. Graduated high school, college, grad school. Got married. Got a dog. Had a daughter, then a son. Moved five states away for my first job, moved two states closer to home for my second, then quit the industry altogether. Learned about what makes me happy as a professional, and a lot about what doesn't. What an exercise!
And actually, this was over 20 years. But J is in his 40s. He'd already graduated high school, served in the military (and been honorably discharged) at the time. He hasn't gotten married, so it's just been a lot of going to work every day kind of life. Not a whole lot of milestones. I agree that for me, over the same period, I have more milestones, but I'm 5-10 years younger than J, so I've had the young person milestones in this time period.