Kids, Dogs, Love and What We Are Doing

Back in high school, when my best friend and I would talk about our futures, she was not certain she wanted any kids at all, but decided that if she did have any, it would be one, and one only. As an only child herself, she was certain that parents could not love two children as much as they loved one. In her mind, love was as finite as time and money.

As a sibling, I argued against her. I believed that love was the opposite if finite, that instead of being divided when you added a new person to the family, it instead multiplied. I could not argue that parents would have the exact same amount of time to lavish on two children as on one, but thought that the attention a child got from their sibling certainly helped make up for it.

I would like to say I was proven right when she had her second son. She is an amazing mom to two wonderful boys, and I know her views on how much a parent can love a child have changed from when she was 17. The thing is, my views have changed, too.

Not about love. Let me state that clearly. I do not believe love is finite. We did not love June and Larry any less when we brought Howie into our lives, nor did our love for them increase when we lost Howie. In that same way, we do not love our dogs any less now that SP is with us. On some level, watching them with her, seeing how Larry very definitely sees her as “his” little girl, I may even love them more.

But I question my thoughts about time. Does having an extra person in the house to pay attention to the dogs make up for the time we are no longer lavishing on them? During Howie’s last week with us, we went to the dog park three times and had hoped to get in a third. The first summer Larry was with us, we went to the dog park, if not every day, then 6 days every week. This summer, we feel lucky to get there once a week.

Some of this is because I also started a new position, one that has me out of the house for a couple hours more each day than I used to be. Instead of getting home by 4pm, I am not home until after 6pm. But summer days here are long, and we often waited until 7:30 or later to take the dogs to the park just due to the heat. That has not been happening, partly because, after dinner, we often sit and watch a movie together. It allows for down time for all of us humans, a chance to unwind before bedtime.

Sadly, it also leads to more keyed up dogs. They spend more time in the living room. More time looking out the window and parking at anything moving on the street. They have more pent up energy. Larry has moments of being one of those “shaky” dogs.

Come the school year, when there is homework, and winter, when there is no light (at least not in the evenings), it is only going to get worse.

For a while we did homemade dog food. Now, they get some chicken in with their kibble, but we’re no longer even doing brown rice or yams.

If I am honest, I must admit that my dogs’ lives are definitively worse now that there is a small person in our house. And it is because that while love may multiply, time stays constant. No matter how many more things you want to do, there are no more hours in the day. In order to make more time for one thing, you must take time away from something else. It is finite.

My dogs’ lives have been full of change. When we got June, we had Smokey, and MIL lived with us. MIL moved out. There was some time of just C, myself and the dogs.  Friend E moved in. Smokey died. We brought Larry home. E moved out. Cousin K moved in. Cousin K left. A few weeks later, J moved in. Then we brought Howie home. 14 months later, we said goodbye to Howie. And less than a month after that, SP came to stay.

Our dogs are used to change. They handle it pretty well. And I know that after each change in our lives, C and I make changes. After Moree died, we took Smokey and June on walks nearly every day. After we lost Smokey, we realized that we really missed the dog park and started going often.

After each change, there is a period of readjustment. It takes time to settle into a new routine. This summer has been a time of changes, with a few more to come.

Howie passed (early April)

SP came to live with us (late April)

I was laid off (early May)

The school year ended/summer vacation started (mid June)

I started a new job (early July)

I went to DC for five days (early August)

SP went to stay with friends for a week (late August)

SP starts school (early September)

C starts school (late September)

We honestly have not actually had time to adjust , to actually settle into a new routine. We won’t have a chance to do that until October. But that’s okay, because it gives us time to think about what we have liked, what we haven’t liked, and to implement changes to our routine.

I am going to push for a family trip to the dog park every weekend, and taking the dogs for a walk, as a family, two to three times during the week. Because while time may be finite, I do not have to divide my family. It is not an “either/or” situation. I can spend time with my daughter and my dogs, at the same time.

For me, that’s doing it right.